Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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