I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
