I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
