i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
