One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need moral support for this bender
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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