I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
