wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
