what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
