Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
