He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
