I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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