Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
