He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
