How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
