Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
