There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
