Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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