i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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