I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Randomize
