I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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