took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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