he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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