Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
