I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
