Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you inspire me to be a worse person
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I want a musical about memes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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