Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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