You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Randomize
