Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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