I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
