why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
