Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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