I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Text me some of your sweat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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