I want to stick my p in your. b.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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