The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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