I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
