did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
