DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
