If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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