I want to have your abortion
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
