The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
