can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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