She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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