Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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