i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
