I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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