i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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