He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
