I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
