you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There are leaves in my underwear?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
