Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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