I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
